Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Mother's Day Confusion

Yesterday was Mother's Day.  A day to celebrate all mothers.  A day to rejoice in the blessing that is motherhood.  It's a day of honoring our mothers.

For me, this year, it was a day of mass confusion.

It was Mother's Day and all I wanted to do was wipe the day from the calendar.  

I worked for a few hours on Mother's Day, which was a blessing.  Truly it was.  The busyness of my job as "barista" at the cafe in our church kept my mind occupied.  It was great.  I had an opportunity to sit in on one of the services and it was truly a wonderful message.  I was prompted to post this status update on Facebook afterwards:

"It cannot be easy at all for a pastor to preach on Mother's Day. There are too many variables to the 'motherhood' issue. Single moms, moms to healthy children, moms to sick children, moms to special needs children, adoptive moms, mentor moms, women who have been 'just like a mom' to people, moms who have lost children through miscarriage/stillbirth/in infancy, moms who have lost a child due to illness, moms who have lost a child tragically, moms who have lost older children/younger children/children somewhere in between, moms who have children who have lost their way, new moms, not so new moms, pregnant moms (whether planned or unplanned), teen moms, older moms, grandmas filling the role of mom for their grandchild.... And the list goes on. And then there's the flip side - children who have lost their mothers, don't have a mother, and so on. I know there are so many more situations I haven't mentioned and can't even imagine. It can't be easy to preach on Mother's Day, but I am proud to be part of a church whose pastor did a great job trying to include all situations. Of course, my heart was breaking during the part where he talked about moms who have lost their children. Fortunately I know that there will be joy again and that all things will work together for good. And so I move on through this day, in an attempt to enjoy it even though it's difficult. Happy Mother's Day to you ladies out there no matter what situation of motherhood you may be in."

I am a mother.  Three quarters of my children are not with me here on Earth.  I kept thinking yesterday, my Mother's Days have been filled with sadness since 2002.  Twelve Mother's Days have passed having the broken heart of a mother who has known stillbirth, miscarriage, and the loss of a young child.

I absolutely love Moira.  She is a joy.  She is funny, compassionate, caring, loving, silly, and so many more things.  I love being her mother.  I have loved being her mother since before she was born in 2004.  Moira is our "redemption baby" or "rainbow baby" as she is our first living child after both stillbirth and miscarriage.  In fact, aside from being a Gaelic name {my mother was from Scotland}, one of the meanings we found for the name "Moira" was "wished for child".

Moira - 3/10/04 - my 4 lbs 13.7 oz baby girl
I wish to take nothing away from the fact that I am her mother.  There are no words to express how much I love her and how much I wish I could make things easier for her.

But, sweet readers, Mother's Day was hard.  Like, punch me in the gut and rip my heart out kind of hard.  Once I got past my shift at work and there wasn't much to occupy my mind, I was just flat out sad.  Tears streaming down my face sad.  This was my second Mother's Day without Peyton, but the first came so soon after she passed away that it may as well have been the first all over again this year.  I miss her beyond words.  I know she's with her brother and another sibling in heaven, but on Mother's Day, you know, it would have been really nice to have all my kids here.

This was also my fourth Mother's Day without my own mother.  I am so lucky to have been blessed with such an amazing mother.  She was such an incredible mom and friend.  She passed away in July 2010 from breast cancer.  She was so good with Moira and Peyton.  She was always there for me, even though we were separated by distance.  I couldn't have asked for a better mom but I miss her every single day. 

Peyton and my mother - 12/28/08
Mother's Day was really tough.  It left me confused and unsure of how I am supposed to handle the day.  Of course, I celebrate being Moira's mom, but how do you celebrate a day that's surrounded with so much sadness right now.  I imagine that there will be a day where Mother's Day will come and go without the floodgates opening.  I imagine there will be a day that is filled with more rejoicing than suffering.  I probably would have been better if I had more to keep myself occupied by - to keep my mind from turning to things that brought pain and sadness.

I celebrate my own mother's life.  I celebrate the lives of my children who have passed on.  I celebrate Moira as she grows up before my eyes.  I do celebrate being a mom, but right now I'm just confused at how things are supposed to look on a date that is right smack in between Peyton's heaven date {May 4} and her birthday {May 15}.  May is not an easy month for us.

To those moms who found themselves in the middle of a painfully confusing time this Mother's Day, my heart goes out to you.  I know this is just a season.  The waves of grief that crashed over on me on Sunday will subside and the routine of our "new normal" life will surface and I will be able to dry my tears and carry on once again.  Know that you aren't enduring moments like these alone.  I feel and understand your pain.

For the moment, I'm just trusting that God will carry me through just as He has been for so long now.

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