Monday, January 20, 2014

My 500 Words: Day 20 - Leap of Faith

Yesterday I shared the story of how it is that we came to know Christ.  Through our special needs and medically fragile daughter, we were able to come to a place where we would begin to develop a true meaningful relationship with God.  We can trace back the events to a particular decision our family made which led us out of our "home" and into the "unknown".  A giant leap of faith for a couple running low on faith was just the beginning of what would become our faith journey.

"Home" is comfortable, isn't it?  "Home" is what we know.  It's what we are familiar with.  There's a routine and a certain pace of life.  It can be predictable.  Home is a well worn path between the familiarities of life.  This is not to say that "home" isn't without its troubles.  Every home has a certain level of discord at times.  Things happen which disrupt the flow and challenge us in our familiar surroundings.

Sometimes, however, change becomes necessary.  "Home" is comfortable but it isn't working as well as it once did and a change becomes inevitable.  Change is not comfortable.  Change can bring upheaval to the order of our lives.  There is often fear in change.  The unknowns involved in change can cause us to simply want to stay where we are.  It's so much easier to stay where we are!  

What is easy and what is good for you are not always the same thing.  We are often called out of our comfort zone in order to bring about change in our lives.  Sometimes it's in small ways.  Other times it is in much larger ways.  For us, that call out of our comfort zone meant a move from Texas to South Carolina.  Some of Ron's family was within a couple hours of us in Texas, though we had no local family.  None of my family was anywhere remotely close to Texas, so that didn't contribute much to my thought process as we were planning our move.  We had some family close at hand, but when we moved, we were moving to a place where we had not one single family member or friend.  None.  Aside from Ron's interview in Charleston, we'd never been to the city.  I first laid eyes on the city the day we rolled into town with all our worldly possessions.  We were truly venturing into the unknown when we made this move.

Moving towards the unknown is scary.  It was a leap of faith.  We were, at the time, trusting something that this was the right move for us.  We weren't what I would call "believers" at the time, though I suppose we could say we were trusting God on some level.  We believed in God, but we didn't have a relationship with him.  We knew it and so did He.  We took it on faith that this was the right move for our family at the time and didn't look back.

This change was difficult for me in the sense that I do not make friends easily.  I never have.  I have always been shy.  I am more quiet and reserved.  Some people mistake my quiet nature for simply not wanting to be a part of something, I suppose.  I am not outgoing in the slightest.  In my head, I would love to be a great conversationalist, bubbly, happy go lucky, and someone people want to be friends with.  One of the unfortunate things about being an introvert is that it can cause other people to move right past you.  It's a bit of a vicious cycle because it leads to issues with self-confidence, which leads to becoming more introverted, and so on.  It has been difficult for me to put myself out there because I'm not outgoing by nature.  I have to push myself harder when I do try.  I have issues {and that's a whole other post}.  

Ron has worked since we got here in 2008.  He has his work friends.  I haven't worked since 2008.  I have the family.  I met people through him but until I got involved in things at church, I really didn't have many people.  The vast majority of my acquaintances were medical professionals, as they were the people I encountered most frequently as a result of Peyton's issues.  Despite all of this, I knew that we were in the right place.  The more tied to church we became, the more like "home" this place became.  

We took this leap of faith because of Peyton.  And now she is gone.  The reason we came here is gone.  It can seem like that at times.  At the same time, because we made this leap of faith, we found a new "home".  We still don't have any family here.  We do have an incredible "church family" though.  We've also made some friends here.  I feel like this is an area I still need to work on because I am in a new stage of life now.  Once I get beyond this ankle injury, I really won't have things tying me down like I once did, preventing me from getting out there.  I should be able to do more and get to know more people.

In the not too distant future, I am going to have to make another leap of faith.  Perhaps not one so drastic as moving across the country, but a leap of faith nonetheless.  Once I am back to my "old self", I will be free to do things once again.  I will be able to participate in things I haven't been able to participate in because of life situations that prevented me from doing so.  For me, the introvert, it's scary.  In a sense it's that "new kid" feeling all over again.  I've been here over five years now, but it'll be in some ways like I am that new person.  I have fears.  I'll be "new" but not that new.  My fear is that I'm "that" person.  That person who lost a child.  That person who people are afraid to get close to for some reason.  I know I am that person because I've felt that for years on some level.  

Pretty soon, I'll have to just take that leap of faith and trust in God who I know is with me to hold my hand and guide me through whatever it is I want to step into when the time is right.

{if you're counting - that was 1,081 words for my twentieth My 500 Words post, for a total of 16,409 this month!}
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