Friday, January 25, 2013

I Wasn't Meant to Be There

God's timing.

It's a funny thing really.  His timing.  His plans.  How things work out one way when you were hoping they'd go another.

That's how I'm feeling right now.  My church is hosting a women's conference for the second year in a row.  I attended last year {it's first year} and it was amazing.  Helen Lee spoke.  Jo Saxton spoke.  Lisa Bevere spoke too.  Incredibly powerful messages, all of them.  I was so pumped at the end of the conference.  I knew without a doubt that I'd be at the next one.

The dates were announced and I was psyched.  I was going to go to Chosen 2013 on January 24-25, 2013.  Dianne Wilson was going to speak.  So was Joe Champion.  And also Dr. Caroline Leaf.  Yes.  I was excited.

But at the same time as my excitement was building, Peyton was sick.  She spent several days in the hospital in September and almost three weeks in October.  She was having some serious respiratory issues - that is to say, she would suddenly just stop breathing.  With everything going on with her at that point, I was not planning anything that far in advance.  To be fair, I don't plan much of anything in advance because of Peyton, but even more so now.

I began to sit on the fence.  I missed the earlybird rate.  I didn't want to commit to being a volunteer {again, a cheaper rate for the ticket} just in case something happened.  Everyone was talking about Chosen and making their plans and I watched as all this was transpiring, not sure if I'd get to go.  I wound up feeling down and ultimately had resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn't be going.

I had originally asked a friend if she'd be interested in going.  She was and she bought a ticket, long before I could have comfortably done so myself.  I felt very badly about thinking I wouldn't be going.  But then I changed my mind.  I was going to go.  

And then it happened.  Nothing for the Friday of the conference {January 25} was going to work.  The nursing schedule wouldn't have worked out.  Ron had a commitment.  We only have one car.  And then there's Moira - who would watch her?  We tried to figure it out.  Fortunately I did not buy a ticket this past week as things never did line up such that I could go.  So I felt bummed out because of that.

Then Thursday of this week came and I saw all the excitement on my facebook wall as this person and that person were sharing their excitement about the conference and about things they were going to be selling in the boutique at Chosen.  I was excited for them, but disappointed I'd be unable to share in the amazing experience I know all these hundreds of women will have.  It wasn't meant to be.  Not for me anyway.  That's the nature of our life as a family with a special needs and medically fragile child.  

I was going about my business and I happened to catch a post on facebook stating that Chosen was going to be live streamed for free!!  What??!!??  I was so excited!!  I could "go" after all!  I know it wouldn't be the same as being there in person, but this would be the next best thing.  I got myself all settled in to watch.  The nurse was with Peyton.  Moira had eaten and was upstairs watching tv, homework already having been completed.

As I was watching the pre-show and then the opening worship music, Moira came down.  She sat beside me and she told me in a very pitiful voice that her tummy really really hurt.  I believed her, but I wasn't sure what it was.  She didn't feel particularly warm, but I took her temperature.  It was fine.  She watched the music with me for a bit and then went upstairs.  I asked her to get her shower taken care of.  She went up, but I never heard any water running.  I heard the tv on though.  She sometimes gets sidetracked.

Meanwhile, Ron came home.  He was actually at church helping out with the parking team for Chosen.  He went upstairs and then he yelled down for me to come up.  Moira was in the bathroom and had thrown up everywhere.  She began crying once she saw him.  I felt horrible!  I heard nothing.  I was watching the first speaker, our pastor, online but the volume was not loud.  Not even close.  I simply could not hear what happened upstairs.  It wasn't me not paying attention.  Poor girl was sick and, I'm sure, frightened at all that happened so quickly.  

All of this happened about 10 minutes before the nurse was leaving.  We got the bathroom cleaned up and her into the tub.  Not 10 minutes later, Peyton started.  With her, however, it's all related to her respiratory issues.  She's not "sick", but still.  

Several trips back and forth, up and down the stairs, we got everyone situated and cleaned up.  Moira was still having issues, but we got her in bed.  We decided to split duties - Ron would mostly help with Moira and I would be with Peyton.  If Moira's got the flu, there is NO way we can have her anywhere near Peyton and there is no way Peyton can get sick.  This would put her in the hospital.

I got laundry started and sat down, hoping to pick up on some of the conference.  I may have caught 5 minutes more.  Between Moira and the website buffering and having issues {for me at least}, it wasn't happening.  All I kept thinking was I wasn't meant to be there.  I'm not sure why.  I don't know why the messages being given were not meant for me, but I don't believe they were.  Not tonight.

I finally understood all the feelings of uneasiness I was having about buying a ticket to Chosen.  The funny thing is, it wasn't about Peyton at all.  I wasn't meant to be there because Moira was going to need me.  I even had an opportunity to use someone's ticket for Thursday night's session and I felt I had to decline.  I could have been there.  I wasn't.  I was needed at home.

Sometimes God works in funny ways.  But He is always at work.  Our pastor often says that God is at work on the solution before we even know there's a problem.  Well, this was a prime example.  I didn't know there would be a problem at home.  But God arranged things so that I would be right where I was needed and cleared the path during the evening so that my focus could be on that.  The Friday of the conference was the biggest problem in terms of having things work so that I could go, and now I know why.  I need to be home.

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