Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Eleven


I've said it before and I'll keep on saying it - I have no idea where the time goes!

Today marks the eleventh anniversary of the passing of our son, Jeffrey.  Our precious little boy was stillborn.  I wrote a post about this last year for his 10th anniversary.  You can read that here.


Even after 11 years, there's not a day that goes by where I don't think about Jeffrey.  He is as much a part of our family today as our living children are.  Moira, who is 8, knows she has a big brother.  She doesn't know all the ins and outs of how Jeffrey died.  She doesn't know that he never took a breath outside of my body.  She does know that he existed.  And she wonders why he had to die.  She wishes she had him here so she had a playmate.

I still wonder at times, myself, why it is that my oldest child had to be taken away before I was ready.  I wonder why he never had a chance to take that breath, to cry, to see his parents who love him greatly.  I did hold him - for a very long time before it was time to let go.  In my almost 40 years of life, that moment still  ranks as the most difficult moment of my life {and I've been through a lot}.

I didn't feel this way for a very long time after we lost Jeffrey, but the question of whether or not losing him was "fair" is irrelevant.  Do I like that he was taken too soon?  Absolutely not!  Do I wish he was here with me today?  You bet!  But losing him is not an issue of whether or not it was fair.  God had a plan.  He's got plans for all of us - even the tiniest of us.  For whatever reason {I still don't understand}, it was not a part of God's plan for Jeffrey to remain with us, but to be called home to Him.  I have to say I'm a bit jealous.  I'd rather be parenting him myself, but truly, he is in the best hands right now.

While I miss Jeffrey more than anything, I take comfort in the fact that God is looking out for him.  And for us who remain behind.  There was a purpose to Jeffrey's life, no matter how brief it was and no matter that he never drew a breath on his own in the outside world.  I believe that he has taught our family so much.  I don't know what the ultimate purpose of his life was, but I know he has taught us just how precious and fragile life can be.  Perhaps he was sent so that we could learn how to cope with this type of loss so that we could be an encouragement to others.  Perhaps it was to prepare us for the eventuality which will be losing Peyton.  We don't know God's plan for her either, but we know from a medical standpoint that her existence on this earth will be brief.  Whether it's another month, another year, or another 5 years or more - we don't know.  But perhaps having dealt once with the loss of a child has helped to somehow prepare us for this eventuality.

I don't question the "why's" any more where Jeffrey is concerned.  Perhaps the question of "why" isn't what is important at all.  It may be the "what" that is more important.  What have we learned?  What has he taught us?  What can we do with what we've learned?

Whatever the reason for is passing, one thing is certain - he will always be loved, he will always be missed, and he will always be a treasured member of our family.

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